Life begins at 40, right? At least that’s what they’d have us think. And perhaps many would agree. You may have met your life partner, settled down with a couple of kids and a Labrador, perhaps got on the property ladder after years of throwing your money down the drain paying your landlord’s mortgage. All positives if that’s what fulfilment looks like to you.
But - and it’s a big but, for many of us women we find the plateau of fulfilment stops abruptly and starts to descend rather rapidly. It’s largely down to one word, one which is often thrown out there casually by family, friends and peers alike but we are never really too sure what it means and how it applies to us.
Perimenopause.
The elephant in the room for most women once they cross over the threshold into their forties. We all know about menopause and what awaits us further down the line - it’s still a topic which is largely misunderstood and perhaps we remember our own mothers going through it (some of us may have teased them about it which makes me cringe, looking back). The hot flushes, mood swings, slamming doors etc.
Perimenopause is a different ball game altogether though. It creeps up on you quickly and with no warning. You wake up one morning and something hurts which didn’t hurt yesterday. Your body suddenly develops an intolerance to something you never had problems eating before. You struggle to pull up the jeans you wore with ease only a couple of weeks ago. Headaches, chronic fatigue, anxiety, insomnia. Sounding familiar yet? Oh, and lets not forget our menstrual cycles. Once like clockwork, now you are having to carry a tampon wherever you go - just in case. And not just the regular kind. Now you need the super absorbent kind plus a pad as you don’t trust your womb not to open the floodgates and expel clots the size of golf balls.
But HRT is an option, right? Well, perhaps. If you are fortunate enough to have a doctor sympathetic to your plight. Finding one of those is like hen’s teeth. I have lost count of the amount of times I’ve approached my doctor only to be told at 41 I’m too young to be exhibiting any signs of menopause and perhaps I should modify my diet, get more sleep and exercise more. Those things seem to be the standard line for most concerns these days. If only it were that easy. When I’ve tried to suggest perhaps I’m showing signs of perimenopause, I could almost see the (male) doctor roll their eyes at me before implying I should be grateful it’s nothing more serious and why am I wasting their time.
As a society, we are guilty of all too often brushing women’s health under the carpet. We are taught from an early age when starting our periods, we should just get on with it, to mask our pain and go about our day for it’s an embarrassing topic and we wouldn’t want to make the boys feel uncomfortable. Pregnancy and childbirth only serve to exacerbate the view that we shouldn’t be an inconvenience to the patriarchy. We must recover quickly from the trauma our body has gone through, raise a tiny human whilst also showing up for our husbands to be the wife they need. I remember my own mother telling me the worst mistake I made when returning home with my newborn was getting showered and dressed each morning as I was sending a message that I was coping and therefore more would be expected of me. My body needed to rest after two traumatic births yet on both occasions within twenty four hours of returning home postpartum, I was lugging laundry baskets up and down three flights of stairs, hoovering the house so it looked nice for visitors and making sure my husband had a freshly cooked meal on the table each evening. I had set unrealistic expectations for myself based on societal conditioning from a young age.
As a mother to a now ten year old daughter, I’ve taught her from an early age it’s okay to talk about your body. Nothing is off limits and if she feels worried about something, she knows she can always talk to me. She knows what to do when her period comes and how it’s nothing to feel embarrassed about. Similarly, I talk to her about some of the changes my own body is going through as I wished my mother had done with me. Maybe if we all spoke more candidly about our bodies and made space for each other to vent, we’d all feel a little more empowered. We can’t change what is happening but we can take ownership of it.
I plan to journal more of my experiences but I’d also love to hear your stories. My inbox is a safe space for anyone wishing to talk about any of these issues raised and I promise to provide a listening ear even if I don’t have the answers.
MK x
I am 41 and also in the beginning stages of perimenopause. My doctor told me my labs were normal and my Obgyn tried to sell me on birth control, which I’ve only ever had horrible experiences with…so finally I reached out to a holistic doctor who is helping me balance my hormones with diet and supplements. And none of it—-not the visits nor the supplements are covered by insurance. I’ve noticed some positive changes but still have a long ways to go. Just hope my purse strings can hang on!
Thank you for speaking up about this very real, very important, and sadly, very overlooked topic!